What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:48
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Put me off passion for life!!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So whats the point in blame.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!